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Georgina's Blog



October 2020

Loss

Loss is something that we are all feeling to a greater or lesser extent at the moment because of Covid 19. Everyone will have endured loss of freedoms like mixing with who they like, when they like and the opportunity to be with friends and family. Most will have lost money, working time, the ability to network in a job. Some will have lost fitness and found that the reduced access to doctors and their surgeries may have impacted on their health.

All of these losses are mirrored and magnified when separating from a partner. A partnership is dissolved, possibly one of long standing; friends take sides and no longer remain in your circle; you may not see your children every day in the way that you had previously taken for granted; invariably someone has to move house and lose their home; separation and divorce are expensive and so finances are hit negatively; long term dreams and plans are abandoned.

In the immediate aftermath of a separation you can only live in the day to day until a new life can be moulded into shape. All of these losses engender mourning - a time to process what has happened and to grieve for what is lost but then hopefully to start to repair and rebuild. Often people coming to mediation are mourning their relationship and will be feeling angry, betrayed or mistrustful of the ex partner. They will feel hostile towards the other person and will misconstrue and misunderstand attempts to come to any sort of understanding. Many people will feel depressed and out of control of their lives as all the givens become uncertain. How hard then to try to meet and be civilised and work together again to manufacture your own separation, especially if you did not choose to part?

Mediators understand and are trained to manage all of these maelstrom of emotions, and feelings - rational and irrational. Skilful mediation will help to allay the mistrust and find the common ground between you. It should reclaim some ground so that you can feel on a surer footing with what is happening and move forward personally and practically. Any agreement you reach will be your agreement, not something imposed upon you, and therefore is far more likely to stand the test of time. So while the loss will have been enormous, the mediation process can help with your sadness and bring perspective and hope to bear.